


That Burden's Not on You

by remadebydreamers



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 20:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17189639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remadebydreamers/pseuds/remadebydreamers
Summary: Jake and Amy respond to a call about a boy trying to jump off a fire escape. It brings up a lot more from Jake's past than he'd like.





	That Burden's Not on You

“Santiago!”

Holt’s voice cut across the quiet chatter of the precinct, jolting Amy out of her chair.

“Coming, sir!” she squeaked, heading into his office.

Jake leaned over to Charles. “Ten bucks says she’s in there because she borrowed a twenty off that prep from our last case.”

Charles grinned. “Okay, you’re on. I say she’s in there because she left another ‘accidental’ bag of pastries on his desk.” He paused. “Wait, wasn’t it you that borrowed the twenty?”

“Why does everybody think that?”

“Because you’re in crippling financial debt and you’ll borrow money off of anything with two legs?” Terry put in. 

Jake made a face at Terry in response, to which he only sighed. 

“Maybe I do borrow money sometimes-”

“All the time,” Rosa interjected, as she casually examined her nails.

“-but this time, it was definitely Santiago who did the borrowing, and that’s the reason that she’s in there, I can guarantee.”

As the words left his mouth, the door to Holt’s office flew open and Amy strode out. To anyone who didn’t know her, she looked as calm and composed as ever, but Jake could see she was shaken. Her face was pale and there was a slight tremor in her hands as she picked up the case files. 

“Jake, with me,” she snapped. 

Jake stood up, pulling his leather jacket over his shoulders. “So, Santiago, what was the deal in there?”

She tossed him the keys. “I’ll tell you on the way.”

Jake followed her out, but before he stepped in the elevator, he turned to Charles with wide eyes and a surprised expression. 

Amy blazed out of the building, walking so quickly that it almost turned into a run. She pulled open the car door, gesturing frantically at Jake.

“Come on, get in.”

“What’s the address?"

“64 Carroll Street. Start the car.”

“Woah, woah, woah, partner, what’s the rush here?” Despite his questions, Jake put the keys in the ignition and started to back out. “At least give me a hint. Does it start with an A, as in armed robbery? Or, ooh, maybe a B, like bomb about to go off.”

They wove through the streets of Brooklyn in silence for several seconds before Amy responded.

“It’s a 10-56A.”

“Okay, totally not fair. I didn’t take that nerdy code class like you did.”

“Suicide attempt, Jake. That’s what it means.”

He was stunned into silence by the bluntness of the statement. When he spoke again, he almost didn’t recognize his own voice. It was serious and professional, no hint of teasing. 

“Tell me the details.”

“There’s a kid standing on a fire escape on the top of the building, and the neighbors think that he’s about to jump. Captain Holt got the call maybe 10, 15 minutes ago. They’re trying to talk him down, but no one is sure that’s going to work. No parents, no family, they already tried knocking on the door of the apartment. 

Jake turned another corner, his hands tightening on the steering wheel. “Why did you bring me?”

Amy furrowed her brow. “Holt told me to bring you, and I agreed with him. You’re a likeable person, and this is a sensitive case. Plus, I hate to admit it, but you’re a good cop. You can handle pressure.”

She hesitated, like she was waiting for him to add something, make a joke, make this situation a little more normal, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. 

Abruptly, he stopped the car. “That’s the building.”

“We have to head up to apartment number 108.”

Jake nodded, and the two of them jumped out of the car. They burst through the doors of the lobby, to the shock of the startled doorman. Amy pulled out her badge. “NYPD. We’re responding to the call about the boy on the fire escape.” 

The doorman got over himself quickly. “Second floor, three doors down.”

“Thank you,” Amy said. Jake caught her arm as she tried to head for the elevator.

“Too slow,” he explained. “Faster if we take the stairs.”

“The boy’s name is Theo,” the doorman called behind them, “if that matters.”

Jake mentally filed that information away, concentrating his energy on racing up the steps. Amy matched him, step for step. They reached the second floor, Jake’s ragged breath echoing in his ears, and Amy was quick to locate the apartment number. She backed up, preparing herself to kick it open.

“Wait!” Jake shouted.

“What is it?”

“We’re gonna freak the hell out of that kid,” he pointed out. “Knock to let him know we’re coming in, then break it down.”

“Got it.” She rapped loudly on the door. “Theo, we’re coming in to help you.”

There was no response from inside. 

Taking a deep breath, Amy kicked the door down. She stepped inside the apartment and Jake followed closely behind her. 

There was little to be seen in the main room, but when Jake turned to the left, a few rooms were off to the side. Of them, one of them had a door ajar. 

“I think the window is in that one,” Jake called.

He slowly pulled open the door, Amy by his side. His suspicions were immediately confirmed. The window was open, and just outside it, there was a small figure sitting on the railing. 

“Theo?” Amy said softly. 

The boy whipped around, fear in his eyes. Jake swallowed painfully. He was so young, no older than 16, freckles dusted across his face, unkempt hair laying in hopeless tangles on his head. 

“Who are you?” he asked, his voice steady. 

“I’m Amy, and this is Jake. Some of your neighbors were worried about you, so they called us to help you out. Do you need help?”

Theo narrowed his gaze.

“Amy,” Jake hissed, “don’t talk to him like he’s five.”

“I’m sorry!” she whispered back, “I don’t know how to act around kids.”

“Stay here,” he told her. 

Jake walked calmly towards the window.

“Can I head out there?” he asked Theo.

Theo shrugged, which Jake took to mean yes. He opened the window a little wider, squeezing himself through the gap. Out on the fire escape, the light was suddenly blinding, and he raised a hand to shield his eyes.

“Nice day, huh,” he commented. 

The kid shot him a look, like he was insane, and inside the apartment, Amy didn’t look particularly pleased by his approach. 

Jake couldn’t let himself exhale until this kid got down from the railing, but his words weren’t working right. The fire escape was filled with dead air, and he could only hope that the kid wouldn’t jump while he was there.

“I know this is going to sound super obvious, but do you think you could step down from that railing for me?”

“Why?”

The word was spoken quietly, very nearly lost to the rush of the cars from below. Too many answers swirled around Jake’s head, too many things to say. 

“Because you don’t deserve this,” he said finally. “Because you don’t deserve this pain, or this hurt, or whatever it is that drove you out here. You don’t deserve to lose to it.”

Theo still didn’t move off the railing, and Jake could feel his stomach clench in an unpleasant way. Nausea rose in his throat. 

“Theo. People care. I’m asking you to come down from there, unless you want me to grab you.” 

The part about grabbing him was a lie. Jake wasn’t quite sure he could reach the kid in time if he decided to let go. Just in case, he started to move a little closer. 

“There’s no point in me staying here.” Theo’s voice froze Jake in his tracks. “It doesn’t get better. I keep waiting for something to change, I keep trying to fix myself, but nothing works.”

A sob cut through his last words, and Jake felt his heart lurch in his chest. 

“Hey, Theo, I can’t promise it will get better right away, but I can promise that if you get down from there, we’ll figure it out.”

“I don’t even feel like myself anymore,” Theo said, his voice flat and soft. “I can’t handle anything anymore, and I just feel like a failure, like this worthless fuck up.” He turned to face Jake, the intensity of his gaze almost making Jake stagger back a few steps. “I know this is stupid and selfish. I know that people care. But I can’t do this.”

Jake wanted to grip the kid's shoulders and tell him over and over again that he would never be anything close to worthless. He wanted to tell Theo that he knew how it felt to think about himself that way, that Theo was looking at himself through a lens that most people didn't even know about. He wanted to tell the kid that so many people were going to hurt if he died. That no amount of failure or fuck-ups were equal to the value of his life. He couldn't. Theo wouldn't believe him. 

“It’s gonna suck.”

“What?”

“Getting better. It’s gonna suck. There’s going to be times where you’re like, ugh, why would I do this to myself, being murdered sounds better than this. It gets easier. It doesn’t feel like that at first, but it does.”

“Are you sure?” And Jake could hear the hesitation and the fear and the smallest bit of hope in Theo’s voice.

“Yes.” He smiled tightly. “Yes, I’m sure.”

Slowly, Theo swung his legs across the railing and lowered himself down, trembling so much that Jake was surprised he didn’t collapse on the spot. It probably wasn’t professional, or the thing that Amy would have done, but Jake walked over to Theo and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. The boy collapsed into Jake’s embrace, and Jake could feel Theo shaking against his chest.

“Let’s get you inside, okay?” He let himself breath again. The kid wasn’t going to jump. 

He guided Theo through the window and back into the apartment, where Amy was waiting, along with a few paramedics. Theo looked startled at the sight of them, but as Amy tried to coax him into their grasp, he went limp, like he was tired of fighting. They lead him out of the apartment, and Jake watched them disappear from view.

“Ready to head back to the car?” he asked Amy, trying to keep his tone light.

“Yeah.”

They left the apartment, went down the stairs and back out the door. The car ride back to the precinct was uneventful. Amy debriefed Holt through the phone, and Jake concentrated on driving. They parked in front of the building, but Amy hesitated before she got out.

“I’ll check up on Theo tomorrow,” she said. “Make sure he’s safe.”

“Thanks,” Jake nodded.

She still didn’t leave. Instead, she stared at him like he was a particularly interesting case file she couldn’t decipher. Eventually, she spoke. 

“I, umm, heard the whole conversation on the fire escape. And you did a great job, but how did you know all that? About it getting better and what it was going to be like.”

Jake tried to act casual. “I’m going to tell you something, but you can’t freak out because it’s really not a big deal.”

“I won’t.”

“Okay.” Jake closed his eyes for a minute, trying to wrap his head around the idea that he was actually telling Amy this. He was actually saying these words aloud. “When I was 16, I tried to jump off the George Washington Bridge.”

“What?” Amy looked shocked. “Jake, that is a huge deal.”

“I thought you promised not to freak out, Santiago.”

“Right.” She composed herself, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “You can go on.”

“Do you know why I wanted to get to Theo so bad today? It was projecting. Because when I was on that bridge, no one came for me. There weren’t any police or paramedics because it was too dark for anyone to see me, and I just thought, what the hell. Why not. Staying here isn’t worth it. No one comes, and that's the way it's always going to be. 

Needless to say, I didn’t jump. I talked myself down from the ledge and I went home.”

“Did you ever get help?” Amy’s voice was full of concern, and some part of Jake hated himself for making her hear this.

“Nah.” He tried to smile. “Too scared to tell anyone. I taught myself how to get better. It took a long time and some rough nights, but I think it worked out okay.”

“You don’t feel like that anymore, right?”

He considered lying, for a brief moment. No good. She was too through of a detective. “Sometimes.”

He hated himself for the way her face went pale. 

“It’s better now,” he tried to reassure her. “I’m not gonna jump off the GW. I mean, especially since I know you. The precinct would collapse if you were the best detective they had.”

“Very funny,” Amy said dryly. 

“Don’t worry about me, Santiago.” Her eyes hadn’t stopped looking scared. “I’ve been doing this for a while now.”

“That’s the point, Jake. You shouldn’t do this by yourself. You shouldn’t have had to talk yourself off the bridge. There should have been someone there for you. And I know there wasn’t, but there are people here now who you should talk to. I don’t want you to try to withstand this on your own just because you can. Stop trying to be your own hero.”

For the first time, Jake met her eyes. “Okay. I’ll try talking.”

“I’m glad. If you ever feel like you’re going to do something, call me or text me or whatever. I’ll pick up.”

“I’ll send a pigeon over.”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Time to file those case reports?”

“You got it.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be short and sweet and easy to write, but that didn't happen lol. I've never written these characters before, so hopefully this isn't too terrible. All comments and kudos are appreciated!


End file.
